


Brothers

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guy and Archer have a family moment together. A bit of violence ensues...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brothers

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Many heartfelt thanks to [](http://thymelady.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://thymelady.livejournal.com/)**thymelady** for being my beta on this one (and many others!) You are made of awesome! HUG! ♥♥♥

"I love you, brother!" Exclaimed Archer, crying fake tears as he wrapped his strong arms around Guy, embracing him tightly. Guy groaned loudly. Hugs were so not his thing. Especially hugs from siblings. In Guy of Gisborne's world, hugs from siblings usually meant one of two things: he would soon be getting a knife in his back, or he was being robbed. And Guy was certain Archer didn't know him well enough for the former.

"Put it back." Guy barked at Archer, feeling his belt suddenly get a bit lighter.  
"Put what back?" Archer asked, innocently, as he broke away from the tight embrace.  
"My money pouch." Said Guy, staring Archer down evilly.  
"I don't have your money pouch." Archer said, smirking.

Guy sighed, and pushed Archer backwards into a nearby tree. He pulled out his dagger, and immediately pressed it against Archer's throat.

"You would really kill you own brother over three ha'pennies?" Archer told him, looking quite surprised.  
Guy stared Archer down seriously, cocking his head to one side. "How did you know how many ha'pennies I had?"

Archer glared at him, looking slight bewildered. "I...uh... guessed?" He said, chuckling nervously. "Seriously, though: it's not worth killing me over...since I'm...completely innocent after all."

"I don't know." Guy mused. "With you gone, it would erase any evidence that Mother and Sir Malcolm...um...you know."  
"Made wild, passionate love to each other repeatedly in random barns and outhouses? Oh yes, Oh yes, OH YES! YOU ARE A GOD OF SEX MALCOLM LOCKSLEY!" Mocked Archer, doing an impression of their mother even though he didn't have the faintest clue of what their mother sounded like.

Guy stared his little brother blankly, his left eyelid twitching rapidly.

"Oh..." Archer replied, smirking. "Looks like someone has repressed memories of some past nasty. How many times did you walk in on them? Three times? Four? Forty-two?"  
"Y...Y...You do realize I have a knife at your throat?" Guy stammered, pressing the knife a little more forcefully into Archer's throat and drawing a tiny bit of blood.  
"Oh, absolutely. Truth is, you're not the first person to ever put a knife to my throat. In fact, after the first ten times, it starts to lose effectiveness." Replied Archer, smiling.

Guy stared him down evilly. He then took the blade away from Archer's neck; however, he still held him against the tree firmly.

"You're right. I cannot kill my brother." Said Guy, shaking his head. He then lowered his dagger down to Archer's nether region, and pressed it into his privates. "That being said, I don't know that I really like the idea of being an Uncle. Ever."  
"Strictly speaking, brother, you might already be one...several times over. Of course, I'm not entirely sure they were all mine. She was kind of the town whore, you see." Archer told him, smiling sheepishly as his voice jumped an octave.

Guy growled, and pressed the dagger a little harder into Archer's manly parts.

"Ooookay." Squeaked Archer, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out Guy's money pouch and handed it to him. "There's seven ha'pennies inside! I made a donation. Because I love you. Very much."

Guy retracted the dagger and snatched the money pouch from Archer's grasp, opened it and quickly counted the money inside. With his missing ha'pennies all accounted for (and then some,) he released his hold on Archer.

"Oh, you might need these, too." Said Archer, handing Guy a small, pink, flowery ring that was hooked around a thin, silver chain, a book of filled with naughty pictures, a small, silver wolf's-head clasp, a couple of sharp daggers and finally, a pair of black, silk underwear.

Guy eyes grew wide as he stared at the underwear. He quickly sheathed his dagger and ran a finger around the waistband of his tight, brown pants. Sure enough, his underwear were gone.

"YOU STOLE MY UNDERWEAR?! THE UNDERWEAR I WAS WEARING?!" Guy yelled through gritted teeth as he yanked the black, silk undies away from Archer. "HOW?!"

"Magic. And a magician never reveals his secrets, you know. Wooooo..." Replied Archer, wiggling his fingers at Guy as he walked away, chuckling.

Guy groaned loudly, pocketing all of the recovered items.

"Somewhere out there, I have a normal family. And they're looking for me." He said sternly as he trudged after his little brother.  
"You know,I once said the same thing. And then I met you, Robin and Isabella." Replied Archer, sighing heavily. "I've since given up hope on the normality thing."


End file.
